When I was seven, I used to show horses. And to this day, I still remember the alligator that lived in the pond at the fairgrounds.

I ALSO remember the bonehead who insisted on feeding this alligator hamburgers.

Now, if you’re thinking, “this guy clearly won the genetic lottery!” – you’d be right. But somehow, his epic level of nonsense didn’t stop there.

In what I can only imagine was a fantastic tornado of stupid and testosterone, he insisted on feeding the alligator from his bare f***ing hands.

And I distinctly remember… even to the innocent senses of a seven-year-old… long before I’d spent several thousand hours studying the outdoors and observing wildlife. And years before I understood the evolutionary processes that should have removed such an individual from the gene pool long ago.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt: that was some dumb shit.

By some miracle, this alligator must have had more patience than Ghandi, because The Bonehead was never hurt. But people like him make news nearly every goddamn day.

Indeed, humans have a long history of being dumb bastards where animals are concerned.

Need proof?

I mean, what bad could come from feeding a moray eel some pale wiggly sausages with your pale wiggly fingers?

But I digress…

Now, to be clear – we can’t predict the unpredictable. True accidents happen.

You might unknowingly stumble between a bear and her cubs. You might unwittingly disturb a hornet’s nest. Or you might be on a surfboard when a shark decides it’s mealtime.

But more often than not, what precipitates an unfortunate encounter between humans and wildlife has everything to do with the bipedal ape and less to do with the other animal that’s minding its own business.

So when people are concerned about the outdoors and ask me how to handle potentially dangerous encounters, I have only one simple piece of advice:

Don’t do dumb shit.

Seriously. That’s it, folks.

Just don’t be an asshole.

The fact is that wild animals have important animal shit to do.

They have to find enough food and water to keep themselves alive. Find shelter from the cold or shade from the heat. They’re raising young and hard at work storing resources that they’ll need to buffer themselves from starvation when times are lean.

And you know what they DON’T want to do? Waste their limited time and resources dealing with pinheads who won’t leave them alone.

At least not until they’ve been given no other option.

So mind your manners. Give them space. Respect their wildness, and wrap your head around their ability to smash you like a bug on a windshield with merely a moment’s notice.

It’s as simple as that.

Don’t feed them.

Don’t pet them.

Don’t squeeze them.

Don’t sit on them.

Don’t chase them.

Don’t pose your kid on them.

Don’t get too close while trying to photograph them.

Don’t put them in your pocket.

Don’t put them in a jar.

Don’t put them in your CAR!*

Don’t poke them with a stick.

Don’t poke them with anything.

Just…don’t.

And almost invariably, you won’t be the one explaining to your friends why your nickname is Johnny No-Thumbs.

*updated 5/17/16