In November, adult film star Stoya accused former boyfriend and fellow actor James Deen of assaulting her while they were in a relationship. In the days that followed, additional accusations emerged from other women who had worked with him – describing some truly disturbing and ugly assaults both on-set and in his personal time.

Against my better judgement, I read the comments buzzing in social media. And despite every fiber in my being lashing into full-throttle revolt, I managed to NOT bash my head through my laptop.

Because to no one’s surprise, the comments were filled with hateful but predictable victim-shaming, claiming that anyone who works in porn should expect to be abused. In fact, given the nature of their work, many people contended that porn stars can’t be raped at all.

“I don’t buy it, she’s a porn star, she clearly has no shame and this to me seems like an attempt to hurt an ex.”

“Well isn’t that the whore calling the kettle black”

“She’s a porn star, who cares”

“Porn Actress = Whore. Simply Stated. No degree needed. Now we are supposed to respect her as equal. No.”

“porn as a job then claimed rape….. It’s a twisted thought …. first rule is ” self respect “.. for any women to make the rape case believable…, you can scream ‘no’ to the highest mountain but if you bare your soul to the world and kids, married men, students and women see your “sacred” private area …. you have no credibilty…”

“Kinda ridiculous. Yea, you might get raped if you are in porn industry, big fucking surprise.”

Dammit, people. This is why we can’t have nice things.

It is astonishing that in our culture, and in this age, conversations around rape continue to focus on the person who was assaulted – rather than the person who did the assaulting. As though raping people is an inescapable reality- or an outright fallacy. Because, hey, what don’t us feminists consider rape anymore?

Yet believe it or not, rape is straightforward. And NOT raping is actually quite simple. In fact, it’s probably one of the easiest things you’ll do all day.

If for some inexplicable reason your pea-brain has not wrapped itself around this preschool-level concept, please allow me to address some of your questions. I’ve even done you the service of answering your questions, so you don’t get bogged down in this thing called thinking.

Is she saying no? Are you having to hold her down or block the door?  

If a woman (or a man) is saying no or trying to get away from you, those are key indicators that they are not interested in having sex with you.

Like, AT ALL.

Put simply, if someone is telling you no, pushing you away, using her safe word, trying to get up, bolting for the door, or she is fully or partially unconscious, then she is not giving you consent to have sex with her.

And no consent = no sex.

Now, if this point is confusing to you, then let’s explain it a different way: if someone is incapable of speaking for themselves or actively telling you and/or demonstrating that they are NOT willing to have sex with you, and yet you STILL have sex with them, then you are committing an assault.

No excuses, no exceptions.

See how simple that is?

Now, if you’re still thinking “yeah, but…,” then allow me to clarify some additional points.

Did you see what she was wearing?

I’m not sure how much clearer women need to be about this point, but apparently it cannot be overstated, so listen up:

CLEAVAGE IS NOT CONSENT.

Ditto for bare thighs, bellies, butts, abs, make-up, short skirts, tight dresses, scoopnecks, v-necks, tank tops, tube tops, spaghetti straps, string bikinis, or utter nudity.

You are not entitled to have sex with someone regardless of how her body, and how it’s clothed, makes you feel.

If you do not have consent, you cannot have sex with her. And if you do it anyway, then you are assaulting her.

Let’s talk about what she does for a living. 

Sure, let’s do that.

Maybe she’s a prostitute. Maybe she’s a porn star. Maybe she’s a stripper, a go-go dancer, or works at Hooters.  And you know what that means?

Precisely jack shit.

What she does for a living is not a blank check for consent, and it does not entitle you to have sex with her simply because you want to do so.

If a woman who works as a <fill in the blank with any profession any woman could ever hold> tells you no, yet you have sex with her anyway, then you are assaulting her

But I bought her a drink/dinner/spent a bunch of money on her? 

If you bought her a drink or dinner with the express intent of having sex with her, then are two important words you need to keep in mind: tough shit. 

Life ain’t fair, dickhead, and you can’t buy consent.

And if you don’t have it, then she isn’t allowing you to have sex with her.

If you force sex on her anyway, you are assaulting her.

 

Hey, this chick ain’t exactly a virgin, if you know what I mean.

I hate to break it to your fragile ego, but a woman is allowed to have sex with, and not have sex with, whomever she damn well pleases.

And if she doesn’t happen to choose YOU, regardless of what a fox you seem to think you are, or how many other foxes she’s bedded, then you cannot have sex with her.

If you have sex with her anyway, then – pay attention here, dude – you are raping her. 

But what if she was ALREADY having sex with me? 

Did she say no at some point? Push you away? Use her safe word?

Believe it or not, women are allowed to change their minds. Maybe she forgot that she hadn’t taken the Pill. Maybe it hurts. Maybe you’re being too rough. Maybe you’re doing something that she doesn’t want to do. Maybe she feels sick. Or maybe for some reason she’s just not into it and wants to stop.

If someone indicates that they want to stop having sex with YOU, you have to stop having sex with THEM.  If you don’t, you’ve crossed the line into assault.

We’re married – you can’t rape your wife!

“For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad.”

Nowhere in there did I see, “whether you want to fuck me or not!”

If you can believe it, wives are people, too. I mean, they’re actual human beings.

And when any human being tells you no, you’re not allowed to have sex with them.

If you do it anyway, then ring or no ring, you are assaulting her. 

 

And finally… please ask yourself: Is it my dick?

If the answer to that question is yes, then you are responsible for where it goes and how it gets there.

If it goes where it’s not invited, you’ve assaulted someone – plain and simple.

And if you can’t trust it not to do that, perhaps you need to invest in a leash or a shock collar to keep it under control.

The bottomline

Under no circumstances is someone obligated to have sex with you simply because YOU want to have sex with THEM.

The one and only thing you need to know is whether you’ve been given consent. And “consent” does not come in the form of telling you no, trying to get away from you, pushing you away, or being physically incapable of telling you anything at all.

And no, it doesn’t matter what they were wearing, what they do for a living, how many people they’ve had sex with, or if they’ve had sex with you before.

If you don’t have consent, then you are committing an assault. 

No excuses, no exceptions.