“Let me tell you about my trouble with girls … three things happen when they are in the lab … You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticise them, they cry.”

Almost instantly, those words became a virtual drip torch that set social media ablaze.

In the hours and days that followed, blogs, news articles, and opinions flared, and the rift became clear. Apologists claimed that his remarks “weren’t that bad,” and that the “witch hunt” had gone too far.

Dr. Hunt (sort of) apologized, which appeared to focus more on how his own words had affected HIS life rather than how truly sorry he was that he made them in the first place.

Eventually the news outlets became quiet and people lost interest, particularly by the time the next hilarious cat video was unearthed.

But notably, this controversy was about far more than the irresponsible remarks of one scientist at one event. It highlighted a much larger issue relating not only to how women are viewed, but how we are subsequently judged for our reactions when we are belittled.

This major misstep punctuated the perfect example of what happens when women speak up. When we raise our hands to say “this is not okay,” “what happened here was wrong,” or “I feel disrespected.”

The instant those hands are raised, the pitchforks gather to remind us what “really happened,” how we “should” and “shouldn’t” feel, and advise us to”lighten up.”

And to no woman’s surprise, that is precisely what happened here.

Ironically, women handled the situation with as much grace and humor as we could have. But the women who stood up and spoke out were not overreacting. We were simply tired of a culture that tells us that we are not good enough.

The one that tells us that our voices and opinions aren’t valid. And the one that tries to shame us for standing up and speaking our minds.

Because if you are a woman, the collective reaction to being mistreated is nothing if not predictable.

“Oh, you know how he is. Don’t take it personally.”

“Come on, he was just joking. Lighten up.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. Just ignore him.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it. You just took it the wrong way.”

“What did you THINK was going to happen if you went home with him?”

“Do you really want to ruin this man’s life by accusing him of something like that?”

Alternatively, you’ll be peppered with questions – what you were doing, whether you were flirting, if you’d been drinking, what you may have said that gave him the “wrong impression,” what you were wearing, whether you walked home in the dark, whether you accepted a drink from him, if you were friends with him, if you worked with him, what your tone of voice may have been, and innumerable other questions that take inventory of what YOU may have done that precipitated the words or actions that you felt were inappropriate or harmful.

In every phase of our lives, our voices are doubted and dismissed. Our experiences are questioned and minimized, and we are taught time and again that what we experience “isn’t that bad” and it “isn’t a big deal.”

And invariably, there is some implication that WE may have provoked these experiences through our own irresponsible actions.

We are told that we are being “too sensitive” and that we are merely overreacting to the circumstances.

We are taught that when someone hurts us emotionally or physically, it is our fault. And if they suffer the consequences for mistreating us, that is our fault, too.

And that culture – the one that tries to school us in our own opinions and punish us for speaking up – is EXACTLY what keeps women silent when when bad things happen to us in every phase of our lives.

It is exactly why we learn to internalize that same monologue, and why we consistently doubt our own inner voices.

We repeatedly question our own experiences. We downplay them, make excuses for them, and wonder what WE could have done differently to prevent them. And often we want to forget that they even happened.

Yet despite what we are told at every turn, there are 8 things that we need to hear more often.

1. You are not a bitch, a cunt, a whore, or a slut. 

You may be assertive, independent, carefree, feisty, fierce, strong-willed, self-reliant, opinionated, free-thinking, self-sufficient, audacious, bold, or brave.

You may be shy, standoffish, uncertain, stubborn, cold, aloof, reclusive, unapproachable, distant, apprehensive, timid, reluctant, or wary.

You can be ALL of those things or NONE of those things. Or many of those things at different times.

But you are not a bitch because you assert yourself.

You are not a cunt because you dare to exist.

And you are not a whore because you speak your mind.

Those words exist merely to delete you as a human being, and to put you in your place.

The bad news is that these words aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

The good news is that “your place” is any damn corner of the universe you want it to be.

2. You are not crazy, overreacting, or overly sensitive. 

Believe it or not, rational thinking is not exclusive to a twig and berries. Indeed, it can occur within the same body as a pair of breasts and ovaries.

And when you feel offended and disrespected, you are not being crazy.

When you feel belittled by someone who is demeaning, you are not being overly sensitive.

And when you speak up and stand your ground, you are not overreacting.

Anyone who labels you crazy and irrational is looking for a way to dismiss you as invisible and irrelevant.

You are neither.

You are allowed to have your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions without being reduced to a pathetic stereotype.

3. Your value is in being YOU – not in being “someone’s.”

When women are attacked, assaulted, or insulted, the initial response is almost always addressed with an attempt to “personalize” what happened.

“What if she were your sister?”

“She was someone’s daughter!”

“She was someone’s wife and mother.”

Though well-intentioned, this notion only reinforces the point that our value lies in our relationship to others. We become relevant – and what happens to us becomes noteworthy – because we are someone’s.

Someone’s daughter, someone’s wife, someone’s girlfriend, someone’s sister, someone’s mother, someone’s aunt, someone’s cousin, or someone’s friend.

But our value is not in how (or whether) we associate with others. It lies in the simple fact that we are fellow human beings. Individuals with our own unique experiences in the world.

Whether or not you have parents, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, children, cousins, a spouse, or a partner neither elevates nor diminishes you as a person.

Indeed, your value is in being someone – not in being someone’s.

4. You can be more. 

From the time you popped out of the womb, you’ve been encouraged to take up as little space in the world as possible.

You’ve been hammered with messages that you are too fat, too loud, too bossy, too assertive, too bitchy, and too jiggly.

The world around you has often made you feel so small that you wish you could curl up and disappear. And there is no shortage of folks out there ready to help you with their 1,200 calorie starvation plans, bullshit cleanses, and delusional detoxes.

You’ve often felt less than, and you’ve probably sweated and starved to be less than.

But contrary to the messages that bombard you on a daily basis, you don’t have to disappear. You don’t have to shrink and shrivel so much that the world doesn’t know you’re here.

You can eat delicious food, carry a couple of extra pounds, and enjoy the world around you without feeling like a failure.

You can lift things up and put them back down without worrying that you’ll get big and bulky.

You can have opinions, speak those opinions, and take action on issues that matter to you without feeling like you might offend someone.

You don’t have to be quiet, be smaller, pipe down, shush, or lighten up.

Despite what you hear, you are allowed to have more, want more, and BE more.

And you don’t have to apologize for one damn bit of it.

5. You do not require approval.

When you do speak up, invariably some shit stain will be waiting to tell you how you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel, as though your feelings require their validation. As though they will be the judge of whether you are justified in your own experiences, young lady.

And when someone tries to school you in your own feelings, they can HAVE A GODDAMN SEAT.

You don’t require vetting, and your opinions and actions do not require a quorum before being formally accepted.

Your voice, feelings, experiences, and actions are your own. They are your right and responsibility to exercise as you see fit.

And you don’t have to give a damn whether people like it or they don’t.

6. You are allowed to say no.

Every question posed to you does not obligate you to offer a yes.

Whether it’s a drink, a dance, a kiss, a hug, a favor, or sex, you are allowed to say no.

Whether it’s a friend, boyfriend, husband, or someone you met at a bar, you are still allowed to say no.

And when someone doesn’t like your answer, and invariably they will not, please refer to point #1.

7. Your body is not for public consumption.

You may have been told throughout your life that you were too wide, too small, too fat, too skinny, too stout, too bony, too hairy, too ugly, too gangly, too potmarked, and too scarred.

As if somehow, the body in which you experience your life is here to make others happy.

It’s entirely possible that like most women, you have cellulite, scars, stretch marks, jiggly thighs, knobby knees, funky feet, or a belly that squishes more than you’d like.

And you know what? You can reach right into that bag of fucks you’ve been carrying and shake it til it’s empty.

It doesn’t matter if you have impressive muscles that you’ve worked hard to build at the gym, or if you have a small frame that struggles to put on mass.

It doesn’t matter if you are naturally tall and thin or if you have always struggled with the scale.

Whatever you are, and however you want to be, know that your body is not here to please others.

It’s sole purpose is to serve as the vessel through which you experience your life and the world around you.

Your body does not require public approval, and it is not here for public consumption.

And when someone wants to complain about it, direct them to the row of chairs populated by the dickwads in point #5.

8. It is not your fault.

Despite what you’ve been told all your life, you do not have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It doesn’t matter if it was just “kinda sexist” or “really sexist.”

It doesn’t matter what you were or were not wearing.

It doesn’t matter what you did or did not say.

It doesn’t matter if he’s your friend or a coworker.

It doesn’t matter if everyone else thinks he’s the nicest guy on the globe.

If someone speaks to you or otherwise treats you with disrespect, it is not your fault.

You didn’t deserve it, you didn’t have it coming, and you shouldn’t have known better.

And if their actions require consequences that are suffered as a result of you speaking up, that is not your fault either.

The bottomline:

You’ve spent your life hearing that you aren’t valuable. That your voice and opinions aren’t important.

But they are.

You are not now nor have you ever been less than. In fact, you are more than you know.

So go forward and live boldly. Speak bravely. And set the world on fire.