Gather round the campfire, kiddos, and bear with me while I channel my best Sophia Petrillo.

Picture it: Peterborough, 2015. 

It was one of those crisp October evenings when the sun sets by 6pm, and I’d just finished a home workout. It was the perfect time for a  cool down & I thought I’d multitask with a trip to the mailbox. So I bounded out the door to enjoy some cool autumn air.

When I’d almost made it to the mailbox (remember, this is New England, where your mailbox is a minimum of 600 miles from your front door), I rounded the corner near an otherwise quiet woodlot darkened by the mid-autumn sky.

That’s when I heard the unmistakable “hoo wah” calls of a Barred Owl.

Now, the ornithologist in me promptly identified the species & general location of this sound, and remarked how fortunate I was to enjoy the sweet sounds of nature.

However, the illogical, I’ve-been-watching-too-many-Halloween-movies-on-AMC side of my brain firmly disagreed, and all I could hear was “ki ki ki, ma ma ma.”

Conclusion: I may have returned to my front door much faster than I anticipated.

And – as I would discover minutes later – without having retrieved my mail.

Apparently years of training and experience are no match for Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. But that’s how darkness rolls, folks.

It’s like a Magic Eraser for logic and reason.

There are some obvious frights when you’re frolicking outdoors – black bear, hornets, mountain lions, alligators – not to mention the creepy, two-legged hominid variety.

But others are insidious in their fright factor, relying on a cute & harmless facade – until they call, bark or flush unexpectedly.

Regardless of how much training you may (or may not) have in the ways of the woods, don’t be surprised if these 5 animals make you destroy the back of your pants.

1 – Barred Owl (Strix varia)

Their typical call the easily identified, “who cooks for you, who cooks for yoooouuu-allllll.” And it couldn’t be more entertaining to banter with them on the standard Owl Prowls & night hikes. But it’s all fun and games when you’re part of a group – relying on tenants of the selfish herd hypothesis to keep you safe.

But this sonuvagun has a number of other hoots & ahhhs in its repertoire, and an unfortunate habit of unleashing them at exceptionally inopportune moments – like when you’re sound asleep at 3am or binge-watching scary movies on AMC.

Listen for yourself.

2 – Eastern Coyote (Canis Latrans)

Luckily, their barks and yaps are one of the most easily identified calls in the woods, so it’s unlikely that you will mistake them for any other animal – including serial killers & zombies. But the ease with which you can identify them belies their ability to creep the ever-loving shit out of you with an indescribable eeriness that only they can deliver. Especially when it’s pitch black.

Get ready for the heebie-jeebies.

3 – Red Fox (Vulpes vulpes)

Apparently a regular old bark wasn’t good enough for the red fox. Maybe when you’re smaller than your canid cohorts, your bark has to be just a bit tougher to keep them on their toes.

And by “just a bit tougher,” I mean you’ll think they’re shooting the latest season of American Horror Story in your backyard.

4 – Ruffed Grouse (Bonasa umbellus)

Though the animals above harness most of their spook power by night, the Ruffed Grouse will nail you in broad daylight.

You’ll be frolicking along a trail without a care in the world, enjoying the meditative quality of the great outdoors – until an explosion of feathered chaos will send your heart into your throat & your stomach through the forest floor.

And thanks to their cryptic coloration, you’ll never see it coming. Which is kind of the point, and why it’s such a fantastic predator evasion tactic. By the time your life has stopped flashing before your eyes, the grouse is nowhere to be found.

Sadly, no video can recreate this most precious of woodland moments. But if you haven’t experienced it for yourself, I’ve done my best to provide you with a play-by-play.

5 – Wild Turkey (Meleagris gallopavo)

If you think flushing a grouse is a barrel of monkeys, just wait until you experience the unparalleled joy that is flushing a Wild Turkey.

If a ruffed grouse goes off like a grenade, turkeys are more like a nuclear bomb – leaving a mushroom cloud of heart-stopping adrenaline & a string of four-letter words in their wake.

In some cases, you’ll be fortunate enough to spook them from afar – in which case they’ll simply run or take-off from a nearby perch.

But if you catch one just right – especially if it’s a female on a nest – you’ll be wishing you wore your brown pants.

The take-home 

Without a doubt, the great outdoors has its moments of peace & tranquility. But it’s also happy to offer you frights that would give Freddy Krueger a run for his money.

If an animal does frighten you, or you feel that you’re in a potentially dangerous situation, be sure to give any animal plenty of space. They will almost always avoid you if they can.

And don’t try to catch, chase, ride, hug, poke, or otherwise pester them. You’ll only exacerbate the situation – if not create it by acting like a douchebag.

For more tips on dealing with wildlife, I’ve provided my #1 tip here to avoid getting your butt whooped by a wild animal.

And check out this article if you want to avoid acting like a blockhead outdoors.