Most of us enjoy the outdoors, but there’s something special about having an anticipated one-hour trip turn into a full-throttle overnight or multi-day adventure. And if you want to guarantee that your next hike goes terribly, horribly, unbearably wrong, be sure to follow these tips for a sure-fire disaster!
1. Overestimate your abilities.
Recognizing your limits is highly over-rated. If you haven’t exercised in years, there’s no time like the present! Just get out there and tackle the most challenging hike you can find to make up for lost time. And if your body fights back, just ignore it. You know what they say…pain is just weakness leaving the body.
2. Be sure no one knows where you are…or when you’ll be back.
You’re an adult, and you don’t need anyone’s supervision. So be sure that no one – and I mean absolutely NO ONE – knows where you are or when you expect to return. They don’t need to be all up in your shit anyway – it’s a free country! Note that adhering to this point is particularly ideal if you live alone.
3. Ignore the weather.
Folks who blab about hiking safety relentlessly drone on about shifting winds, cold fronts, warm fronts, thunderstorms, blizzards, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Christ on a cracker! Those people are boring as hell and need to lighten up. Do they think the weather actually shifts in just a couple of hours? Or from base to peak? Come on, folks. That’s poppycock! They’re just Nervous Nancies who need to live a little.
4. Don’t wear appropriate footwear.
For the love of GOD, never choose sturdy waterproof boots or shoes with sufficient tread. That crap is so expensive and uncomfortable and totally unnecessary. Always wear Crocs if you have them. Maybe even some platform flip-flops to let your feet breathe. The fact that they keep your ankles guessing is the cherry on top.
5. Don’t bother to bring snacks or sufficient water.
Have you ever carried some heavy-ass jugs of water up some stairs? Now imagine doing that for an hour…uphill…with Crocs. Doesn’t sound like a fun hike, does it? So just grab the usual 16-ounce plastic bottle and head out the door. Or better yet, don’t grab any! And ditch the snacks, too. You won’t get hungry poking around in the woods for a few hours, and hell, you’re trying to burn calories here. Feeling parched and hungry means you’re doing it right.
6. Wear something inappropriate…and don’t bring extra layers of clothing.
You’ve been dressing yourself since you were a toddler, so I think you can handle one simple outfit. Besides, you don’t want the hassle of carrying some 20-lb backback full of junk you won’t need. So what if it’s 15 degrees and the winds are howling? We all know that once you get moving you warm up anyway. And don’t waste your money on that quick-wicking crap. What a joke. Cotton is awesome.
7. Be sure to go off trail.
Hey, you know as well as I do that trails are merely a suggestion about where to go. Kind of like roads. But the really cool stuff like ticks, poison ivy, wildlife, disorientation, and injury are best found in the heart of the forest. So be a renegade. Ditch the trail, get back to your roots, and learn what it was like before all of these modern conveniences like heat, shelter, and getting home in one piece.
8. Get way too close to a wild animal.
“Experts” are always whining about not approaching wild animals. Pft!! Whatever. The rules don’t apply to you anyway because they’re only for stupid people. So if you see a moose or a bear – even a rattlesnake – be sure to get as close as you can. Maybe even try to pet them, hug them, or if you’re really lucky, ride on their backs. I mean, you’ve ridden a horse, so what’s the diff? And if you have a camera, stay hot on their heels to get the best shot, even if they try to flee. They’re just shy, and getting photos to impress your Facebook and Instagram friends is the only thing that matters (#madpimpinyo).
9. Leave your epi-pens and other medications at home.
Allergic to bees and wasps? Those bastards only live in places like light fixtures, overhangs and lame company picnics- not in the real outdoors. So don’t worry about it. And if you’re diabetic, be sure to refer to tip #5. Packing silly shit like epi-pens, medications, and appropriate snacks just make for tons of extra crap you have to lug around, and lugging is for chumps.
10. Make sure you have no clue where you are.
Last but not least, make sure you have no idea where you are at all times. We’re talking absolutely no clue. Don’t grab a map or look at your smart phone. Don’t bother with a compass. Just get out there and wander aimlessly for the best possible experience. You know what they say – if it doesn’t challenge you it doesn’t change you!
Look, folks, spending time outdoors is awesome. It can lower blood pressure, increase creativity, and decrease stress. And if you want to make it a trip you’ll never forget, just throw on your flip flops, ditch your medications, and head out the door with as little in your pack as possible.
Besides, those search and rescue personnel are just sitting around anyway. Why shouldn’t they get to enjoy an adventure of their own?